Grace among the ashes

In early March, just before the crazy corona exploded, Howard and I were in Florida on our way to lunch when our pet sitter called to say our little boy cat, Duke, lost his ability to walk. She rushed him to the vet, but no. The doctor gave Duke an easy out while I talked to him over the phone. My heart broke a thousand miles from the fellow who kissed me on the lips, who ran meowing whenever we sneezed. An irreplaceable child whose sister Daisy mourns him still, just as we do.

We made arrangements for Duke through the Forget-Me-Not Pet Crematory. Not long afterward, we picked up a box of ashes, a copy of the “Rainbow Bridge” and a packet of forget-me-not seeds.

Since then, hell has rained down on us all. We have stayed home, watching disaster through our windows, wondering who or what might not survive 2020.

So I started seeds to plant a garden. Something told me to be self-sufficient on all fronts. I planted tomatoes, lettuce, peppers – and forget-me-not seeds in a small row of six. Weeks later, they remain tiny little sprouts, just breaking through jiffy pots near a kitchen window.

But then this morning, under a bush, I saw what seemed like a weed, but no. It’s a forget-me-not in full bloom – the bluest flowers you’ve ever seen with yellow starbursts at their center.

Growing under a bush

I have never grown forget-me-nots in the 21 years I’ve lived here. I have never scattered their seeds. I don’t know who has, but I’ve got a good idea.

These are dark times of loss and uncertainty, shadows flickering with fear and hope. It takes a forget-me-not, waving on a spring breeze, to remember love lasts when every other thing is gone.

A bargain read

The Kindle version of my book is now 99 cents on Amazon — something to read while hunkering down! There’s a free app to read it on your computer too. Just search for “Cinderella Shoots the Moon.” It’s not a children’s book as it follows the lives of two young women on the run during very dark times.

Free Bird

Yesterday I ignored my creaky knees and crowd surfed my three-year-old granddaughter around the living room to “Free Bird.” Our six-year-old grabbed my shirttail and we screeched like the wild things we are.

As long as you’re above ground, you are never too old for anything. So, my friend, feel free to:

– Dress any way that makes you happy

– Go to a matinee

– Invite neighbors for a wine/beer/cheese party

-Take a drive to see the Christmas lights

– Eat chocolate chip muffins for breakfast

– Hunt for alleged lost baby kittens among the trees

– Get up early to marvel at the pink sunrise

– Step outside to catch the golden sunset

– Make a homemade casserole for a sick friend

– Catch a flight to the West Coast and walk through the redwoods before you die

You may retire from the world of work, but not from the world. Those crazy bosses and hour-long commutes mean nothing now.

Today is a once-in-forever event. Today means everything. Grab tightly to the shirttails of time and drink in its beauty. You’re a free bird.

A pretty penny

It’s good to save money and still live well at any age, but especially when the rat race is over.

Luckily, or not, I have been a saver my whole life. Even when picking wild strawberries as a child, I saved them all to bring home for strawberry shortcake!

Like every habit, a saving mentality is hard to quit. These days I take all things in moderation, including moderation. But why not be bit of a miser so you can live large otherwise?

Here are a few ideas about scrimping enough to be able to throw some mad money around:

• Make coffee at home and invest in travel mugs. You may have heard this before. But have you done the math? One coffee is easily $3. If you buy coffee five times a week, that’s $15 a week, $60 a month, or $780 a year.
• Pack English muffins or bread with peanut butter or cream cheese, along with a fruit, instead of buying doughnuts or breakfast sandwiches on the run. Pack leftovers or a sandwich and fruit for lunch.
• Clip coupons for things you buy, but only if you would buy them anyway. Put any coupon savings in a mad money jar, or do like my brother and buy lottery tickets with coupon money.
• Don’t shop when you’re bored or for fun. Develop another hobby for when you feel at loose ends or a bit down, like crocheting or gardening. Shop only when you need something. Make a list. Go through the grocery flyers from the newspaper or online, and buy what’s on sale. Plan on everything you need for the week. If you cut down on the times you walk in a store, you will buy less.
• Roast a large chicken, beef, pork or turkey. Use the leftovers in sandwiches, casseroles, chef salads and more for easy, cheap meals during the week. Vegetarians, make a large pot of lentils or beans to toss into salads, tortillas and rice. Homemade baked beans is a versatile and healthy side dish and easy to make in a Crock Pot. Here’s one option: https://www.thespruceeats.com/easy-crockpot-baked-beans-3054503. Add a teaspoon of baking soda to soften the beans and sidestep gas issues.
• Always have apples and oranges as your go-to snack; they travel well.
• Check out the local library for free or discounted passes to museums and attractions, movies, tapes, books, books on tape, ebooks, perhaps even a telescope or special cake pan!
• Buy artful and helpful items on sale to save for gifts to stop running out to buy a gift at the last minute. Good ideas for adults: vases, glassware, candles, frames, hand lotion and gourmet items. For children: beautiful books, paint sets, craft kits, a sturdy truck, a pretty doll.
• When you entertain, make it pot luck. Ask people to BYOB and a dish to pass. You can provide a main dish, your own bottle or two, the venue, the prep work and the clean up. A welcoming host is a precious gift in itself.
• Collect easy recipes to make quick cakes, cookies, muffins, pancakes and more. You’ll save money over mixes or store-bought baked goods. You will also get compliments on your home cooking.
• Keep a list of things you need. If someone asks you what you want for your birthday or the holidays, be specific. People will appreciate buying something you like, and there’s no waste of money all around.
• Use vinegar and water as window cleaner, and baking soda as a toilet and sink cleaner. These work well and are healthier than cleaning chemicals. Do invest in a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser, which is exactly as labeled: Clean. Magic. Eraser.
• If you want to buy something, wait a day to make the actual purchase. Remove the emotion. Put things in your cart for online shopping, for example, and wait a day before hitting “make purchase.” Also check your closet and cupboards first. Shop at home – it’s free.
• Find a day-old bread store (or an area of your grocery store) that offers reduced price goods. Bread and produce go bad quickly, so take advantage of sales and buy only as needed. I keep gluten free bread in the freezer and break off slices as needed. They thaw in about 30 seconds in the microwave.
• Develop killer recipes for chili, stew, meatloaf, pancakes and pasta sauce. Make your own top of the line stuff. Cook in double batches and freeze half for easy meals later on. Use the Crock Pot more often. If you have eaten cheaply all week, you can probably afford a decent meal out once a week.
• Drop cable TV and internet. You can use the internet connection at work, if you are still employed; in the library; or through your cell phone, especially thrifty in a wi-fi hotspot. If you live near a city, several TV stations may be free with an antenna. Or sign up for Netflix, a major entertainment bargain. You’ll need a Roku device, a one-time purchase of about $30. I refused to pay extra to see “Outlander,” and now it’s part of my hundreds of Netflix options.

Put together these tips sound draconian, I have to admit, but freedom from money trouble is priceless. So what are your best money-saving tips? And, even better, what are your “worth it” splurges?

 

Bake a cake in two pans

Once upon a time “1984” sounded so far away, and now it’s so mid-last-century.

Well, like it or not, it’s 2019, and time to celebrate the future we’ve always wanted. Time to accept the blessing of another new year. Time to own up to the choices that will define our year.

With Auld Lang Syne in mind, this year might even be our last. Plenty of folks of every age join the parade to infinity every day. But many men and women are still around at age 90 or even 100. If you are “Going Like 60,” you may be on your way out or poised for a second childhood that could last 30 years.

The answer is to seize the amazing glory of it all. Live in the miracle of breathing, tasting and touching. Do your best to sweet-talk happiness into lighting the path ahead, however long it leads.

Make it all about beauty and simplicity:

♥ Walk and stretch every day.

♥ Eat mostly fruits and vegetables.

♥ Read the whole newspaper, not just the obituaries.

♥ Brush the cats.

♥ Run up and down the stairs for fun and exercise.

♥ Drink a cup of tea and watch the birds.

♥ Meditate and sink into the infinite mind.

♥ Write or call a friend.

♥ Bake a cake in two pans and share one with a neighbor.

Before time gallops away again, taking another precious year with it, do something worthwhile, exciting, daring and kind.

By drop and trickle, a new year will brim over with happiness.

 

In these golden years

People don’t like getting old, but what choice do we have? We get old until we get cold.

However, there is some advice I would have liked my younger self to know.

Good things like:

• Getting to know grandchildren with tomorrow in their eyes.
• Treasuring the years behind – and hopefully ahead – with gratitude.
• Contemplating and accepting the things one cannot change.
• Knowing every battle doesn’t need another swinging sword.
• Ditching the drama side of life. I once combed my daily horoscope for tips on surviving the day. Not any more. Now peace of mind soars on wings of its own.
• Savoring timeless connections. Playing in the yard, my 5-year-old granddaughter panics over a bathroom emergency. We race into the house while I advise, “Pretend you’re climbing mountains; that’s what Gigi does when she’s waited too long.” A little later, I too run to the bathroom as my girl lovingly calls, “Think of mountains, Gigi!”
• Cherishing old friends. How many people still can remember you at age 10 or 21? It’s an ever shorter list. New friends are precious too. When you are past school and work days, new and lasting acquaintances are rare.

So that’s a few on plus side. On the “putz” side, there’s:

• Regretting the times I should have said yes. Remember this. You know, I never did see David Bowie in concert.
• Uprooting instead of blooming. I always had everything I needed but I didn’t always find it at the time.
• Managing an energy deficit. I used to dance, run or work for hours. Now, an hour in, I’m out. (The one-word answer: naps.)
• Wishing I’d traveled more.
• Missing the loves of my life who have passed on or passed by.
• Accepting the many losses that come with age: pain-free knees and natural hair color, for example.

But good or not-so-good, here’s to many more healthy, happy trips around the sun for you and me. I’ll celebrate each new day I get to see.

Because even if I’ve lost much, I still have more than I need: hummingbirds, sunsets, ice cream, kisses, hugs, kittens, firelight, rainbows, music, hammocks, hot coffee, foot massages, art, new-mown grass, wildflowers, rain showers, butterflies, friendship, family and, above all, love.

Love is the only eternity, whether in this moment or only and forever in our memory.

Rock that lipstick, lime green and purple

My husband, Howard; rocker Tom Petty; and writer Nora Ephron are among my heroes.

“I’m in good company,” Howard tells me, “but I can’t help but notice I’m the only one still alive.”

One thing about heroes: They are fearless with the truth.

“The only good thing about getting older is you get smart enough to avoid unnecessary problems,” said Tom Petty. “You know what’s worth spending time on and what’s not.”

On the other hand, Nora Ephron said, “After a certain point, it’s just patch, patch, patch.”

While remembering Tom Petty’s advice for everything else, I find myself repeating “patch, patch, patch” as I buff down weirdly ridged fingernails, scrape dead skin shingles off my heels and dab concealer (what product explains itself better?) on my various spots and dots.

Those who don’t care about such issues should probably go read another story about how Trump can’t pick good people. (Hint: It’s because he’s hiring himself, over and over.)

As for the rest of you, start by buying yourself a good teaser brush.

I will never forget seeing the one and only photo of me at a friend’s wedding. It was taken from the back. Until then, I never knew I suffered from “scalp cleavage.” My hair parts down the back of my head.

So I bought a teaser brush and I backcomb my hair over that runaway part. Then I hairspray it to death, as hero Ann Richards (yep, also dead) would have advised.

If you have problem hair (and only my granddaughter Sasha can claim not to), you can also try a hot air styling brush. It allows blow-drying without juggling a brush and a dryer in each hand. It also makes the most of the hair you have left.

Take good care of yourself like the royalty you are. Why, just look at Queen Elizabeth – at 92 the lady still rocks lipstick, lime green and purple. And you can bet her hairdresser knows her way around a teaser brush.

The wisdom to find silver linings

Aging is a challenge.

One minute you have something, like a 30-inch waist, the next you don’t.

The loss of our youth is hard. God help me, I still think I’m 25 years old. That’s my inner clock, ticking away out of sight. The outer clock – the one the world sees – is 40 years older. Looking in the mirror is a bit of a shock.

But I’m beginning to grasp that aging is a minor wound for anyone with a long life. We humans aren’t made for the ages; we’re in for a short, bumpy, joyous, tragic time. Common, everyday losses are just blessings in disguise.

Like that job that took a dastardly turn.

That friend who found better friends.

And that lover who didn’t, well, love.

Small potatoes, really. Under those scabby skins are silver and gold.

Every bump offers the chance to bounce.

Good things materialize when you free yourself of a disappointment. Your prizes include peace of mind, new opportunities and, with the wisdom you acquired, the ability to make better choices. If you get fooled again, as we all do, you earn another chance to try again.

But back to that 30-inch waist: A new and welcome phase of life begins when we stop worrying about the size of our waistband.

However old you are, isn’t it amazing that a photograph from five years ago looks incredibly young? Now that’s a silver lining. I will try to remember how good 65 will look to the 95-year-old me, if I should last that long. Not only will I possibly see my great-grandchildren, but I will also laugh all the way to an outsize entitlement to Social Security.

The biggest silver lining is a most important lesson, taught by the people I’ve known and loved who didn’t get to be old. Wrinkles, extra padding and a short attention span are my ticket to see another birthday, attend a child’s party, walk in the woods, marvel at a butterfly and watch the hyacinths come up one more time.

Yes, I’m old. If you are, too, then we’re the luckiest people in the world.

A beautiful day for waking angels

Going through my files, I came across notes that I exchanged with my mother-in-law, Deena, back in 1976. My husband and I had a weekend away from our baby daughter Karen. Howard’s parents, Bert and Deena Goldstone, watched her overnight. Poor lost souls!

I cannot believe the details in the instructions I left! (I can just hear Deena saying, “That’s right, General Arlie, at your service!”) I thought I was helping out, but I sure didn’t leave a lot of room for improv.

Today I feel such gratitude (as I did then), but also compassion for my mother-in-law, who didn’t know nothin’ about bathin’ no babies! (After a 25-year gap, anyway.)

What to make of this blast from the past? Well, I have to say that at 23, I tried really hard to be a good mom. And my in-laws tried really hard to be good parents and grandparents. Today, I’m still trying to be a good mom and now I’m the grandma.

I do hope I’m evolving into a more hands-off approach to life and love. But frankly, I don’t think I’m succeeding.

May we never forget how loved we are, generation after generation, as time goes by. Life may not be perfect, but as Stephen Hawking said, “It would not be much of a universe if it wasn’t home to the people you love.”

In 1976, Arlie wrote:
Karen’s Day
(These hours are flexible!)
7:00 or 8:00: Karen gets up sometime between these hours usually. She sometimes gets up earlier, rarely a little later. It helps to speak to her and let her know you are there before you pick her up. She will be very eager to eat when she wakes up.
8:00 or so: After she’s had her milk, she will play in her crib upstairs for a half hour or more. Put her close to the hanging toys. If she starts to fuss, turn her over to play with toys on the floor of the crib. If she gets tired of that, she will roll around on the living room floor for a while.
9:00:  Vitamin drops according to the dosage on the bottle. She will take 3 or 4 ounces of juice from a bottle, or if she refuses that, from her “Tommy Tippy” cup. She may not take it all, but that’s fine. Then she can have a couple of tablespoons of cereal about the consistency of applesauce. If she finishes it, she can have more. Cereal, milk and a little sugar.
9:30: Bath time. She won’t need a bath Saturday, but probably will on Sunday. Her tub is under her crib downstairs. Fill it about one-quarter full with tepid water. She loves her bath! I let her play for a while after she’s all washed. She likes that plastic can top that’s in the tub — uses it as a bath toy.
10:00: As soon as her hair is dry, she can go outside for a walk in her stroller. Or if you don’t feel like a walk, she will sometimes play on the floor again for a while. She likes to be played with — dangle toys for her to reach, talk to her, etc.
10:30 or 11:00: Whenever she gets cranky, she may want to eat. This happens a lot more than you might think! But she will almost always want more milk by this time.
11:30-1:00: More milk, more play, more walks, anything that keeps her happy. Sometime within these two hours she will take her nap. Nine out of ten times it will be about 1:00. She sometimes takes little catnaps that don’t last long (15 minutes or so). But this isn’t her main nap. It will last three hours if you let her sleep, but I find that if I wake her up after two hours, she goes to sleep earlier and sleeps better through the night.
1:00-3:00: Relax and sleep too for jangled nerves!
3:00: She will be eager to eat again. After she eats from the bottle, she may sit in her seat and look around. She is happier if she can see you than if you are out of sight.
4:00: Put the hottest tap water in the feeding dish and put one green ice cube (peas) in it along with one light-colored ice cube (applesauce) in the individual compartments of the dish. Let it sit until mostly melted (15 minutes or so) and feed Karen in her small seat. (The high chair is still pretty straight-backed for her.) If she finishes all of it (and she usually does) you can mash up a small portion of banana with a fork until it’s smooth, or the cottage cheese. If she finishes that off, she can have more banana — as much as she’ll eat. She’ll let you know when she’s had enough by pursing her lips and turning her head. She makes noises in between spoonfuls, but that only means she wants more!
For the rest of the day, after 4:00, Karen will more than likely be fussy, hungry, hard to please. Don’t blame yourself, there’s nothing much that can be done. I take her for another walk if all else fails. Carrying her around helps, but it can get tiring. Playing with her and showing her new things to look at will help, too. Rocking her and feeding her is good. She loves to eat, and will let you know when she’s had enough solid food. If she whines and cries, it’s normal. She has a fussy cry and a hysterical cry. It’s pretty easy to tell the difference. I always pick her up when she’s hysterical; I try not to pick her up when it’s obvious she’s just tired and needs to fuss herself to sleep. In any case, if she’s had her regulation 2-hour nap, she is ready for her last feeding by 7:30. Her nightgown should be put on by 7:00 or so. If she cries when you put her down to sleep, try to determine if it’s hysterical or just fussy. If it’s hysterical, pick her up and play with her a while longer. Chances are she will go to sleep soon after. If she just fusses, let her lie there and she will go off to sleep within 20 minutes. Her normal bedtime (when she goes to sleep) is 8:30 or 9:00.
For any questions:
Cynthia: 352-xxxx [our wonderful friend of 46 years, Cynthia Georgina]
Doctor Fuld: 357-xxxx
Also, don’t hesitate to call us if you have a question or are worried about something at any time. You probably already know that.
Good luck and thanks so much.

And Deena wrote:
Saturday
Grandma and Grandpa’s Days
Mommy left at 11:15 a.m. and she knew. She recognized Grandma and really didn’t want Grandpa to have much to do with her. He ate lunch and Grandma held and played with her. Grandma ate and Grandpa had his troubles but at 12:50 into her crib. Woke her at 3:15 – gave us 15 minutes more – an angel waking. She laughed, played, and was delightful. Drank much milk – how much? Who knows. At 4:15 p.m. all the peas, all the applesauce and some banana. Dinner in oven.
4:30 or so and Karen became Karen in all her glory. Grandpa ate. Grandma held her in front of her mobile and for 15 minutes, a love. Grandma ate while Karen did her thing. And we began the “now what new things to do.” Downstairs to front door to Mommy and Daddy’s room, to bed to play. Decided to take a walk (walked before dinner, actually). Got her all dressed after changing diaper twice – Yup! Waited for clean diaper to do B.M. Got outside, shopped until it began to rain. Back in and all over again. Really think Karen was disappointed. Wanted no milk, finally yes, and quiet for a while. Ripped a magazine, had book read to her, several times, and so it went. Put on p.j.’s at 7 p.m. Good and bad – final bottle at 7:30 – fell half asleep – cried for a minute while changing, then would you believe all smiles and laughter. To bed, a few whimpers and at 7:55 all done. Oh yes, Grandpa gave up and went to sleep at 7 p.m. And so until tomorrow!
Sunday
Karen up about 7:15, played for quite a while and then gulped her bottle down. Hungry baby! Happy playing with playpen and then on floor for a while. Breakfast – prune juice and cereal, gone in a flash. Bath, and Grandma was awkward, been a long time but Karen scarce noticed. Out and played, then on floor and fell asleep for about 20 minutes. Bottle and emptied. Then in carriage (no rain) to Finast [old Keene, N.H., supermarket!] She had a marvelous time – smiled at everyone and everything. Returned – Grandpa to do this thing and we walked around and around. Beautiful day. Talked to next door neighbor on left (woman living with mother) and then Grandpa walked her while Grandma had to do her thing. Fell asleep in carriage – brought her home at once – finished bottle and into crib at 1:15 p.m. but complained, turned over and proceeded to play with her toys until she realized she was tired (about 1:45). Awoke 3:45 – a love, happy, finished bottle. Played with Raytheon News, made faces on floor, raspberries. Took out for a walk, discovered shadows of carriage and me as moved along. In about 5:15 and ate all supper and bananas – fed self with extra spoon or at least she thought so. Food everywhere. Played until 6 p.m. Bottle. 1/2 and a double BM (two diaper), some cranky. But played surprisingly often. Marianne called. [Arlie’s wonderful friend of 44 years, Marianne Hammond.] Eye rubbing and just plain sleepy signs. 7:30 to bed? Being grandparents very special.

 

All the stars in the sky

Damn it all! I have not done nearly enough to support creativity. How little I have praised family and friends who put forth their best from deep inside heart and soul.

A friend recently shared news of a start-up business and a wonderful career accomplishment. Several people congratulated these significant achievements on social media.

“Thank you, kind friends, for your encouragement and support!” she wrote. “I appreciate it and you.”

I have said something similar to so many angels after self-publishing a novel last year. Since the age of 8, when I realized books were written by people like you and me, I vowed to write a book of my own. It only took 57 years!

Believe me, I have lived on every like, love, each positive comment and review, with both surprise and gratitude. I hadn’t expected much, but I often learned how wrong I was.

A rare few confirmed my worst fears. But truthfully, those folks didn’t like me before I wrote a novel. They weren’t going to change, nor were they going to say something positive, even if I had written “War and Peace.”

So what I hope to remember, and what’s most important about having this experience, is to admire the paintings, praise the words, forward the accomplishments, celebrate the determination, applaud the performance and shower every creative being (in other words, everyone I know) with hugs, kisses, love and every available star in the cosmos.

Every creation holds within it hope and spirit. All the love, courage and drive behind any invention are all the reasons I need to recognize and encourage its maker.

I owe so much to people (and you know who you are) who supported me at my most vulnerable and hopeful. What I learned is so essential and precious to my evolution as a human being. And so I will remind myself, as often as needed, of this fact in the time I have left on Earth:

I’m no professional critic, no Roger Ebert, Virginia Woolf or Tim Gunn. Rather, I’m a friend, co-worker, sister, wife, mother, grandmother, cousin, neighbor and above all someone who aims to encourage both sparkle and spark.

Even the Grinch, with a heart two sizes too small, moved beyond his own grinchiness to discover the love and beauty behind every gift in the world. With that lesson, he gained the strength of ten Grinches – plus two.

My little granddaughter, paintbrush in hand, once said, “It’s okay if an artist gets paint on their shirt.” It’s also okay if the artist in all of us is slathered in love and joy, often and well.

May I always be free in saying “congratulations,” and should I hear those words, “thank you.”

Maybe like the Grinch, my heart will grow three sizes that way.